What to Say When Someone Opens Up to You

At some point, someone on your team will tell you she’s struggling. She might name menopause. She might just say she’s not sleeping, or that she doesn’t feel like herself. What you say in the next five minutes will shape whether she trusts you, whether she gets support and, often, whether she stays.

You don’t need medical knowledge for this. You need to be safe to talk to.

That goes for charge nurses, shift leads and line supervisors as much as senior managers. They’re often the first person she’ll tell.

The principle: listen first, fix second

Most managers mean well and still get this wrong in the same way. They rush to solve, reassure or relate. Within a minute, the conversation is about the manager.

The better move is simpler. Listen. Acknowledge what you heard. Then ask what would help.

Here’s what that sounds like.

She says: “I haven’t been sleeping, and I’ve been dropping things at work. I’m not sure what’s going on with me.”

A common response: “Oh, my wife went through that. Is it a menopause thing? Have you tried magnesium?”

A better response: “Thank you for telling me. That sounds hard. What would make the biggest difference for you at work right now?”

The first response guesses at a diagnosis, turns the conversation to someone else and offers medical advice. The second one does three things: it thanks her, it acknowledges what she said and it hands her the next move. She usually knows what would help. Let her tell you.

Two lines not to cross

Don’t name a cause she hasn’t named. Let her decide whether to say “menopause.” Some people will tell you everything. Others will say “health stuff” and leave it there. Both are fine.

Don’t promise what isn’t yours to give. Agree on what you can, and be honest about what needs HR. Formal accommodation requests, leave and anything involving medical information should go through your organization’s process.

Why it matters

Most women who open up to a manager aren’t asking for much. They want to know it’s safe to say, and that the person they report to will help them keep doing good work.

Get this conversation right, and you’ve likely kept a strong performer. Get it wrong, and she’ll stop telling you things, which is usually the first step toward leaving.

One conversation isn’t a training program

This is one principle. Managers also need to know how to start the conversation when they’ve noticed something, what to do afterward, how to keep it confidential and when it crosses into performance. That’s what manager training is for.

For leaders, the question is this: if someone opened up to one of your managers tomorrow, how confident are you that it would go well?

Train your managers with FIERCE at Work

Manager and frontline supervisor training is part of The 90-Day Menopause-Ready Sprint from The FIERCE Woman Movement. In 30 minutes we’ll talk through your teams and what your managers need first. Schedule a 30-minute call →

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This article provides general information. It is not legal, HR, benefits, or medical advice.